Dear Awesome Advice Central,
I recently bought a very expensive golden retriever from an exclusive breeder in Sassafrinkle County, just west of here.
He’s a beautiful pup and we decided to call him Studly. It’s really the perfect name for him, since we plan on hiring him out to breed.
We love him, we really do. We feed him, dress him in adorable knitted outfits and pat him a lot. It’s like we were meant to have a dog or something, we’re so good at taking care of him.
Anyway, the breeder told me that for Studly to please a female dog (can you believe they’re called “bitches”? God. I think that’s just, like, so sexist) we need to prepare him before the Big Date.
She says we need to give him a little help in the “romance department,” if you can believe it. I gave it a lot of thought, and then I did the only logical thing: I gave him a shower, doused him in Extra-Heavy-Duty Axe (bitches like that, or so I hear), bought him some Barry White records, and as an added boost to his confidence, tossed him a breath mint.
It seemed to work. Both he and Corky (the female dog with whom he shares his love moments) adore Barry and know just what to do as soon as they hear his familiar “oh yeah baby” on the CD player.
Corky is what we call “a satisfied customer” in our trade, and Studly is getting a great reputation. We’re bringing in big bucks, let me tell you! The only problem is that whenever Studley sees a female dog (or cat, or raccoon, or Kardashian, he’s not choosy), he rushes over to our CD collection, finds Barry White’s ‘Best of…,” and brings it over to me to play it!
I think it’s really cute, but my husband says it’s creepy, especially because it happens a lot when my mother-in-law visits. Now there’s a bitch and a half, let me tell you!
Any ideas on how to control this? Hubby says we should get rid of Barry White, while I say his mother should just stop visiting our house. Who’s right, who’s wrong, and do you think there’s a reality show contract in this for us?
We must admit that the moment you mentioned Barry White, we started off on a wee reverie of our own…he really does seem to have that effect, doesn’t he? Mmm, mmm, baby….
One moment, while we clear our heads.
All right, now where were we? Right. Music for make dog have sexy time. Got it.
All right, dear, here’s what you need to do: you really need to broaden Studly’s horizons.
As any reputable sex therapist will tell you, monotony is a serious downer in the bedroom department, and while Barry is indeed a nice entrée into the world of musical seduction, there are plenty of others out there who could turn Studly’s (and Corky’s, mustn’t forget the lady!) crank equally well.
We’re thinking Marvin Gaye—who could resist his crooning, “Let’s get it on….oh, yeah, let’s get it on….”? Not us, that’s for sure.
Then there’s Tom Jones. Though frankly, he might be more up Corky’s alley than Studly’s. Tom does have the amazing ability to separate women from their undergarments though, just saying. And who knows? Studly might appreciate the assistance.
If you want your pooch to develop a more cultured ear, try him out on some Prince. “Purple Rain” is sure to get him moving and grooving, if you get our drift.
And of course, for the suave and sophisticated dog about town, Miles Davis. In fact, “Bitches Brew” would seem to be tailor-made for the very situation you describe!
You might have to switch out Studly’s collection of sweaters for a smoking jacket and cravat, but that’s a good look for a golden retriever, we feel. Lends them an air of insouciance they badly need. They’re really rather earnest-looking dogs otherwise, aren’t they?
Oh, sometimes we simply stun ourselves with our own cleverness! Yes, yes, that’s the ticket. Change up the music, and give Studly the chance to expand his masculine horizons.
And now, we feel a little faint. Time to settle down with some Miles on the turntable, and reviving martinis in hand…farewell, and good luck!
Awesome Advice Central