Why, hello you lovely ladies of Awesome Advice Central!
Whoa! Is that a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you? Yowzas! Grrr! Down boy!
Lucky in love, unlucky in law? Isn’t that how the saying goes? Because if it is, then that’s my life. Except I was unlucky in love. So just reverse that first sentence.
I’ve been in a real quandary because I’ve got two girlfriends. That’s not really a problem, except both of them want me, I love them equally, they’re both smokin’ hot and totally the most desirable women I’ve ever known. Known, get it? Eh?
Anyway. I’m getting to the age where I’m thinking about getting hitched and having kids, so I thought, “Hey, I’ll have one of these two, either would be an awesome wife and mother to my children.” Not to mention keeping the fire smoking in the chimney, if you get my drift.
But! I just couldn’t choose which I wanted. Here’s the checklist I made up to narrow down their chances:
- Passed driver’s exam
- Loves me
- Passed eye exam
- Worships me
As you can see from my ruminations above, I’ve gone to untold lengths to sort out which one of these lucky ladies deserves me as her husband. But still, I can’t make up my mind!
So I did what everyone does these days: I crowd-sourced.
Do you know what that is? It’s where you ask people to offer you advice or suggestions about particular subject.
I value this type of encounter, but it came as a total shock to get fired because of it. I really don’t think I did anything wrong in asking, I can see it’s done all the time on “social media,” I think you gals call it.
And I did it right: I made sure I asked after the security video was finished, to make sure they concentrated on that before helping me choose my Lady Love. We were waiting at the end of the runway, just behind a 747, when I opened up the PA, introduced myself and asked the passengers’ advice.
I was polite. I offered pens and papers, which would be filled in by the passengers and returned to the cockpit mid-flight. In short, I was as professional as you’d expect an airline captain to be. Especially an airline captain with as many notches in his belt as I have, if you get my drift.
A few hours in, I collected the raw data from the passengers and announced to much cheering and hollering, that Lady Sexypants was going to be my wife, if she’d have me.
It makes me a little teary to think of it now, to be frank. What an emotional day that was. I ordered all champagne on board to be opened and served to everyone, even those who didn’t fill in my forms (however, the ones who didn’t answer? No extra nuts for them. They have to understand, I’m not a pushover). To be honest, it was a bit of a blur after that, but we were one happy, tired group of people when we landed 8 hours later.
And for this. This! I was fired.
Of course Lady Sexypants no longer wants me. Ditto Lady Hot-to-Trot. Turns out they were counting on a husband with an actual salary. I’m bereft and considering crowd-sourcing again, but this time for a job. I figure I need a job to get the money to get the babes, if you follow.
So, now I’m no longer allowed to be a captain anymore (like, of any airline in the world—man, these people hold a grudge), so can you help me figure out what I’d be good at? I’d like to make money, remember, so please don’t suggest volunteering or medical guinea pig or anything.
I was thinking brain surgeon. I’ve always liked brains and, you know what? Everyone’s got one. I think it’d be a good area for me. What do you think?
Errol Flashypants, Capt. (ret’d) (actually, fired, but you don’t have to print that, okay?)
Dear Ex-Capt. Flashypants,
How about bingo caller? You already have the pencils and pads of paper, and you’ve proven your mettle on the PA system. We’d be willing to bet, if we were betting women, which we aren’t, that you’d be the hit of the old age home!
And if that doesn’t suit, there’s always news anchor for a television station. Less entertaining and prestigious than bingo caller, but requires many of the same skills, and again, the femmes d’une certaine âge would adore you, we feel sure of it.
Plus, last we heard, both were paid gigs.
Good luck to you, old chap! You were wasted in the cockpit of that plane anyway.
Awesome Advice Central
Today’s Awesome Advice Central is in tribute to the original and best Capt. Flashypants: Rik Mayall, whom we loved in “Blackadder.” He died on Monday, and he will be missed.