Tag: Love (page 1 of 5)

Happy Birthday, Lars!

Dear Karen,

Today is Lars’ 60th birthday.  On 14 August, Lars Lykke was born, weighing in at 2.5kg and 45 cm long. Continue reading

Awesome Advice Central meets Capt. Flashypants

Why, hello you lovely ladies of Awesome Advice Central!

Whoa! Is that a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you? Yowzas! Grrr! Down boy!

Ahem.

Lucky in love, unlucky in law?  Isn’t that how the saying goes?  Because if it is, then that’s my life.  Except I was unlucky in love.  So just reverse that first sentence.

I’ve been in a real quandary because I’ve got two girlfriends. That’s not really a problem, except both of them want me, I love them equally, they’re both smokin’ hot and totally the most desirable women I’ve ever known. Known, get it? Eh?

Anyway. I’m getting to the age where I’m thinking about getting hitched and having kids, so I thought, “Hey, I’ll have one of these two, either would be an awesome wife and mother to my children.” Not to mention keeping the fire smoking in the chimney, if you get my drift.

But! I just couldn’t choose which I wanted.  Here’s the checklist I made up to narrow down their chances:

Lady Hot-to-trotalt="IMAGE-capt-flashypants-choice-after-the-kids-leave"

  1. Do-able
  2. Passed driver’s exam
  3. Loves me

Lady Sexypants

  1. Do-able
  2. Passed eye exam
  3. Worships me

As you can see from my ruminations above, I’ve gone to untold lengths to sort out which one of these lucky ladies deserves me as her husband.  But still, I can’t make up my mind!

So I did what everyone does these days:  I crowd-sourced.

Do you know what that is?  It’s where you ask people to offer you advice or suggestions about  particular subject.

I value this type of encounter, but it came as a total shock to get fired because of it. I really don’t think I did anything wrong in asking, I can see it’s done all the time on “social media,” I think you gals call it.
And I did it right: I made sure I asked after the security video was finished, to make sure they concentrated on that before helping me choose my Lady Love.  We were waiting at the end of the runway, just behind a 747, when I opened up the PA, introduced myself and asked the passengers’ advice.

I was polite. I offered pens and papers, which would be filled in by the passengers and returned to the cockpit mid-flight.  In short, I was as professional as you’d expect an airline captain to be.  Especially an airline captain with as many notches in his belt as I have, if you get my drift.

A few hours in, I collected the raw data from the passengers and announced to much cheering and hollering, that Lady Sexypants was going to be my wife, if she’d have me.

It makes me a little teary to think of it now, to be frank.  What an emotional day that was.  I ordered all champagne on board to be opened and served to everyone, even those who didn’t fill in my forms (however, the ones who didn’t answer?  No extra nuts for them.  They have to understand, I’m not a pushover).  To be honest, it was a bit of a blur after that, but we were one happy, tired group of people when we landed 8 hours later.

And for this.  This!  I was fired.

Of course Lady Sexypants no longer wants me.  Ditto Lady Hot-to-Trot. Turns out they were counting on a husband with an actual salary. I’m bereft and considering crowd-sourcing again, but this time for a job.  I figure I need a job to get the money to get the babes, if you follow.

So, now I’m no longer allowed to be a captain anymore (like, of any airline in the world—man, these people hold a grudge), so can you help me figure out what I’d be good at?  I’d like to make money, remember, so please don’t suggest volunteering or medical guinea pig or anything.

I was thinking brain surgeon.  I’ve always liked brains and, you know what?  Everyone’s got one.  I think it’d be a good area  for me.  What do you think?

Errol Flashypants, Capt. (ret’d) (actually, fired, but you don’t have to print that, okay?)

Dear Ex-Capt. Flashypants,

How about bingo caller? You already have the pencils and pads of paper, and you’ve proven your mettle on the PA system. We’d be willing to bet, if we were betting women, which we aren’t, that you’d be the hit of the old age home!

And if that doesn’t suit, there’s always news anchor for a television station. Less entertaining and prestigious than bingo caller, but requires many of the same skills, and again, the femmes d’une certaine âge would adore you, we feel sure of it.

Plus, last we heard, both were paid gigs.

Good luck to you, old chap! You were wasted in the cockpit of that plane anyway.

Awesome Advice Central

Today’s Awesome Advice Central is in tribute to the original and best Capt. Flashypants: Rik Mayall, whom we loved in “Blackadder.” He died on Monday, and he will be missed.

alt="IMAGE-awesome-advice-central-disclaimer"

 

 

Sunday Videos: Love is in the air, even if spring isn’t

Dear Readers,

Today, in lieu of spring weather, we offer you videos of love.  Love of a 4-footed friend, a parent, a child, even a car.

Whatever.  These made us happy and put a smile on our faces,  we hope they do the same for you.

Love of dogs

Motherhood

Fatherhood (in reply to the video above, of course)

Karen and Wendy

Sunday videos: Babies! And more babies.

Dear Readers,

Wendy’s in Toronto now, on Important Business.  She has chosen this video today, as a double homage to both Barbara Streisand, and mothers and grandmothers everywhere.

That’s all the hinting you’ll get today!

Suffering from the Downton Doldrums?  Need something to replace that empty hour in your weekly viewing schedule?  We recommend Call the Midwife.  It’s in its 3rd series in the UK and we know for a fact that PBS is broadcasting it in North America.

Watch. Laugh. Cry. Love. Repeat.

Continuing with the theme of Wendy’s Important Business, watch this:

Have a great weekend,

Karen & Wendy

I don’t want to be a Happy Wife

Dear Karen,

Let me introduce you to the Happy Wives Club.  No, no, I insist.  It’s an online club, founded by Fawn Weaver, whose stated intention is to have over 1 million followers.  So far, on Facebook, the club is creeping closer to that goal.

Today though, I want to draw your attention specifically to how to Keep Your Marriage Strong.

These 5 easy tips will ensure your happy marriage.  Just 5 tips, can you believe it? And easy ones, too!

To prove the site’s claim of marital bliss, we’re shown a photo of a happily married couple, in farmer-type clothes, arm in arm, a kind of modern day American Gothic, but with bleached smiling teeth and perfectly groomed eyebrows.  Don’t be afraid, go check out the photo.

alt="IMAGE-american-gothic"

But wait.

The “wife” is pretty, fresh and fit, while the “husband” is a little less so than she.  He looks incredibly smug and self-satisfied.  She has a Stepford look about her; I’m convinced I can read her plea for help in her stiff smile and steady stare.

This photo encapsulates everything about the site’s not-so-subtle message:

Women!  Work hard at staying on top of your marriage.  Be patient.  Be grateful. Do what he wants.  Don’t complain!

Men!  Accept all the hard work your wife does on your marriage’s behalf.  Now go have a drink, your work here is done.

There’s another article titled, 3 Tips for Playing On His Turf During Super Bowl Sunday!  The writer proudly announces that she’s going to “seduce” her husband with her newly acquired football knowledge. She’s happy to do this, I assume, because all her hard work is going to bring them closer together, proving to him that she’s willing to pull out all the stops in order to be a part of his life, even if she does find football as boring as watching paint dry.  In a shack.  On the moon.

Wanna bet he sat in his Lay-z-Boy recliner with his nachos and beer, listening to her spout statistics and yelling at the TV, puzzled, confused and hoping she’d shut up?

Before you judge me for my judginess, apparently there’s a man writing on the site, who claims that last year he sat down and took 10 minutes a day to think of something positive about his wife, which he then wrote in a leather-bound album and presented to her as a Thanks-giving (yes, with the hyphen) Journal.  I wonder what he did with the rest of his day.

She “cried and said it was the best gift ever (italics hers)”.  I’d prefer diamond earrings, thanks.

alt="IMAGE-diamond-studs"

Diamonds…keeping Wendy happy for many, many years. (photo credit: www.diamondstudsource.com)

Do you know of a single man who’s done that?  I know some really great men, kind, sincere, doting husbands…and not one of them has ever told me he’d made a Thanksgiving journal for his wife. Maybe they make other things, like a cup of coffee, but not a  journal.

I’m not saying it can’t or won’t happen.  I’m just saying in all my years, I’ve never heard of a man doing this.  Have you?

They have a Facebook page, too. Happy Husbands write on the page and offer us their deepest thoughts on marriage:

…Happy wives appreciate what they have and what God has blessed them with
…It will work if we are willing to try
…Unless people start standing up to these fascists and boycotting them, therefore hitting them in their pocketbooks, they will continue to abuse their power and push their progressive agenda.
  (confused?  His wife isn’t.  She “liked” this)

Well, that’s just jim-dandy.  I do appreciate what I have, I’m just not all for me doing the emotional work while “hubby” sits back and waits for me to make him happy.

If I’ve got this right, making him happy makes me happy and then I’m a Happy Wife and he’s a Happy Hubby and we’re all happy together and we can comment on the Happy Wife site about our eternal happiness and how much we adore one another, smooch, squee, sigh!

Both site and page are full of bland catchphrases and soppy stories of sacrifice and lurve, like this one, written by a Happy Wife.  She worries me the most, I think:

Even on the most difficult of days in our marriage, we say I love you and that we are a team and that we are in this together. Just yesterday (a difficult day) he asked me “Are you still a member of the club?” And I said, “of course”, and showed him the daily inspiration – of which I often send to him via picture text.” SO PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF THE HAPPY WIVES CLUB!!!!

Maybe I don’t understand the club’s purpose, but it sounds to me like it’s better suited to the 50s than to this century.

I like my marriage.  I enjoy it.  But I don’t think I’ll ever be a Happy Wife.  And if you see me slipping into that state, you have my permission to stage an immediate intervention.

Love,

Wendy

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