Tag: Love (page 1 of 5)

Awesome Advice Central’s biggest fan

Dearest Awesome Advice Central,

I don’t actually have a problem today, but I believe you might.

You see, I happen to know that while you appear to have a lock on the world’s pool boy population, and the martini industry need never fear going out of business while you are supporting it, you are missing one extremely important element from your otherwise exemplary and delightfully idle lives: moi.

Yes, ladies, I am the answer to your prayers.

I’ve read every single one of your columns—yes, every last blasted one, including that bally nincompoop who turned her baby’s teeth into jewellery—and I like the cut of your jib. Or should I say “jibs”?

alt="IMAGE-awesome-advice-central-biggest-fan-after-the-kids-leave"You see, while I’m no longer in the purest flush of youth, I dare say I’ve made quite a splash among the fillies in my time, and I’m quite certain that I could handle both of you in one go, so to speak. Not that I would ever stoop to brag, but I do know how to please a woman…or, in your case, a matched set.

None of this bellowing, “Brace yourself, darling!” in lieu of foreplay for me.

No, no, no. I’ve read all the relevant books, I’ve asked around, and I believe I’m now well aware of how a lady likes to be treated. Oh blast, excuse me, “ladies.”

If you take my meaning, say no more, say no more.

Now, lest you think I’m an impertinent old sod for addressing you with such familiarity, let me rush to reassure you: I’m not. I am, in fact, deeply in love with you…the collective you, that is. I wouldn’t want to play favourites.

I’ve seen your pictures, and fancy you’re both fine specimens of womanhood who might just be able handle a high-spirited jocko such as myself; and I’m quite prepared to support you in the manner to which you’d like to become accustomed.

Not to brag, but I’m in quite a handy spot, fiscally speaking: dearest Mumsie and Papa popped their collective clogs a few years back, leaving me their Bentley, their country estate, their townhouse, and a tidy sum; and of course there’s my military pension, which as you might imagine is not insubstantial. 

Let’s just say I could afford to keep you in gin, vermouth, and pool boys for the rest of your days. Well, perhaps not pool boys. Unless they were strictly the platonic sorts. I’m an open-minded chap, but one must draw the line somewhere.

I’ve never been one to stand on ceremony, so what about it then? Will you consent to be my bride(s)?

I await your assent. Just let me know when you’d like me to move my furnishings out of the gentleman’s club where I currently reside, and I shall be

Ever at your service,

Lt.-General Sir Rodney Waggle-Ramsbotham-Jones III

p.s. You wouldn’t want children, would you? Because I’m really not the fatherly type.

 

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Dear Sir Rodney,

The line forms on the left. Please take a number.

Sincerely,

Awesome Advice Central alt="IMAGE-awesome-advice-central-logo-after-the-kids-leave"

 

Happy Birthday, Lars!

Dear Karen,

Today is Lars’ 60th birthday.  On 14 August, Lars Lykke was born, weighing in at 2.5kg and 45 cm long. Continue reading

Awesome Advice Central meets Capt. Flashypants

Why, hello you lovely ladies of Awesome Advice Central!

Whoa! Is that a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you? Yowzas! Grrr! Down boy!

Ahem.

Lucky in love, unlucky in law?  Isn’t that how the saying goes?  Because if it is, then that’s my life.  Except I was unlucky in love.  So just reverse that first sentence.

I’ve been in a real quandary because I’ve got two girlfriends. That’s not really a problem, except both of them want me, I love them equally, they’re both smokin’ hot and totally the most desirable women I’ve ever known. Known, get it? Eh?

Anyway. I’m getting to the age where I’m thinking about getting hitched and having kids, so I thought, “Hey, I’ll have one of these two, either would be an awesome wife and mother to my children.” Not to mention keeping the fire smoking in the chimney, if you get my drift.

But! I just couldn’t choose which I wanted.  Here’s the checklist I made up to narrow down their chances:

Lady Hot-to-trotalt="IMAGE-capt-flashypants-choice-after-the-kids-leave"

  1. Do-able
  2. Passed driver’s exam
  3. Loves me

Lady Sexypants

  1. Do-able
  2. Passed eye exam
  3. Worships me

As you can see from my ruminations above, I’ve gone to untold lengths to sort out which one of these lucky ladies deserves me as her husband.  But still, I can’t make up my mind!

So I did what everyone does these days:  I crowd-sourced.

Do you know what that is?  It’s where you ask people to offer you advice or suggestions about  particular subject.

I value this type of encounter, but it came as a total shock to get fired because of it. I really don’t think I did anything wrong in asking, I can see it’s done all the time on “social media,” I think you gals call it.
And I did it right: I made sure I asked after the security video was finished, to make sure they concentrated on that before helping me choose my Lady Love.  We were waiting at the end of the runway, just behind a 747, when I opened up the PA, introduced myself and asked the passengers’ advice.

I was polite. I offered pens and papers, which would be filled in by the passengers and returned to the cockpit mid-flight.  In short, I was as professional as you’d expect an airline captain to be.  Especially an airline captain with as many notches in his belt as I have, if you get my drift.

A few hours in, I collected the raw data from the passengers and announced to much cheering and hollering, that Lady Sexypants was going to be my wife, if she’d have me.

It makes me a little teary to think of it now, to be frank.  What an emotional day that was.  I ordered all champagne on board to be opened and served to everyone, even those who didn’t fill in my forms (however, the ones who didn’t answer?  No extra nuts for them.  They have to understand, I’m not a pushover).  To be honest, it was a bit of a blur after that, but we were one happy, tired group of people when we landed 8 hours later.

And for this.  This!  I was fired.

Of course Lady Sexypants no longer wants me.  Ditto Lady Hot-to-Trot. Turns out they were counting on a husband with an actual salary. I’m bereft and considering crowd-sourcing again, but this time for a job.  I figure I need a job to get the money to get the babes, if you follow.

So, now I’m no longer allowed to be a captain anymore (like, of any airline in the world—man, these people hold a grudge), so can you help me figure out what I’d be good at?  I’d like to make money, remember, so please don’t suggest volunteering or medical guinea pig or anything.

I was thinking brain surgeon.  I’ve always liked brains and, you know what?  Everyone’s got one.  I think it’d be a good area  for me.  What do you think?

Errol Flashypants, Capt. (ret’d) (actually, fired, but you don’t have to print that, okay?)

Dear Ex-Capt. Flashypants,

How about bingo caller? You already have the pencils and pads of paper, and you’ve proven your mettle on the PA system. We’d be willing to bet, if we were betting women, which we aren’t, that you’d be the hit of the old age home!

And if that doesn’t suit, there’s always news anchor for a television station. Less entertaining and prestigious than bingo caller, but requires many of the same skills, and again, the femmes d’une certaine âge would adore you, we feel sure of it.

Plus, last we heard, both were paid gigs.

Good luck to you, old chap! You were wasted in the cockpit of that plane anyway.

Awesome Advice Central

Today’s Awesome Advice Central is in tribute to the original and best Capt. Flashypants: Rik Mayall, whom we loved in “Blackadder.” He died on Monday, and he will be missed.

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Sunday Videos: Love is in the air, even if spring isn’t

Dear Readers,

Today, in lieu of spring weather, we offer you videos of love.  Love of a 4-footed friend, a parent, a child, even a car.

Whatever.  These made us happy and put a smile on our faces,  we hope they do the same for you.

Love of dogs

Motherhood

Fatherhood (in reply to the video above, of course)

Karen and Wendy

Sunday videos: Babies! And more babies.

Dear Readers,

Wendy’s in Toronto now, on Important Business.  She has chosen this video today, as a double homage to both Barbara Streisand, and mothers and grandmothers everywhere.

That’s all the hinting you’ll get today!

Suffering from the Downton Doldrums?  Need something to replace that empty hour in your weekly viewing schedule?  We recommend Call the Midwife.  It’s in its 3rd series in the UK and we know for a fact that PBS is broadcasting it in North America.

Watch. Laugh. Cry. Love. Repeat.

Continuing with the theme of Wendy’s Important Business, watch this:

Have a great weekend,

Karen & Wendy

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