Dear, like, Awesome Advice Central,
I’m, like 22 years old, right? And, like, a girl? And I’ve got a boyfriend, Trey? Like, he’s totes awesome and all, and I love him, okay?
The thing is, though, like he’s not my, like, first, know what I mean? There was Chase, Lauder, Mandible and Thor, but like, it was only physical with them.
Like, I liked them, okay? I just didn’t like, LOVE them. Not like I like, LOVE Trey.
He just makes me feel, like…squee!!
So, like the other night? Finally, after some Baby Duck Champale and some oysters on Ritz crackers, I put on some Barry White and Let. The. Good. Times. Roll.
Trey wouldn’t mind, if I, like told you, that this was his first time, right? So I guess you could say I was in charge of this rodeo, haha.
Things are going pretty good between me and him, and suddenly, I whispered in his ear, “Oh, Cha-, I mean La-, ZOMG, NO, I mean Ma-Thor-ey!!”
Things went kinda downhill from there, right? Know what I mean? Like, it was sooooo not cool.
I was like, totes embarrassed and now he won’t talk to me in class and I don’t know how to make it up to him. I mean, I guess I do, but I was told it was illegal in 3 states, and like, I’m a law student and don’t wanna break the law, right?
It really sucks, cos I love him so much. But, like, now I’m worried that he’ll fail me in class, just cos of this one teensy mistake. Like, okay, it wasn’t that teensy, but like, you know, it wasn’t like, major BIG or anything, just an innocent mistake. Right?
Help me, please?
Pleading not guilty, your honor!
Sandy S. Axemouth
We here at Awesome Advice Central feel that you really ought to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
For example: the first translator we hired to decipher your most interesting missive lasted approximately 5 minutes. We found her crouched in the corner of her office, gnawing on her own wrists and jabbering unintelligibly. The poor woman had to be sedated, and we’re not sure we’ll be able to use her again.
Fortunately, the second translator was made of sterner stuff, and managed to slog through your abominable communiqué—just. Before she expired, she was able to gasp out the gist of your problem, which we will summarize as:
“I am an ardent heterosexualist with a penchant for men with odd and/or naff names. Using a combination of cheap hooch, unpleasant hors d’ouevres, and cheesy music, I managed to seduce my law professor—possibly because he lacked experience and didn’t know any better. Unfortunately, while we were doing the deed, I let slip that he was neither my first, second, third, nor even fourth conquest. He took this news rather personally, and I now fear for my academic future, as well as my love life.”
Assuming we’ve got it right, we’d suggest your course is clear.
Your ability to rattle on without communicating anything of substance, your instinct to weasel out of situations rather than facing them head-on, as well as your grandiose overestimation of your own insubstantial charms, indicate a brilliant future for you as a politician.
In that spirit, we suggest you tell Trey that you are really, really, really sorry; if you’re lucky, he’ll buy it. (Hey, it worked for Rob Ford.)
And for God’s sake, next time you’re in flagrante, keep your damn trap shut. Honestly, we shouldn’t have to spell this out to you.
With some trepidation, we remain,
Awesome Advice Central