Hell hath no fury
Dear Advise Ladies,
My Mommy reads your advices column all the time. Sometimes she reads it like a million times a day. When she’s supposed to be playing Barbie with me, she’s ackshully looking at her iPad and writing notes. I saw your name on the site (I’m only 7 but I know how to use a tablet), and wanted to write to you to.
I’m young, I’m not computer illiterate.
Cos I’ve got a prollem.
My best friend (can I write BFF? Do you know what that means?) Becky invited me to her birthday party but then instead of playing with me all the time she played with Mansour all the time and I got mad and kind of stole her Barbie and cut all her hair off and now I’m in trouble cos Mommy found the Barbie head in the laundry basket and she’s all like, Krystal, why’d you do that, why’d you cut off all her hair and poke out her eyes and then cut her head off and I said ackshully I didn’t cut her head off cos if you look closely you can see you can just pull her head off with a twist, like this but Mommy didn’t think that was important, she was just angry with me and now I’m in trouble with Mommy, with Becky who said I destroyed the future by killing Barbie, that no other Barbie will be the same as the one I broke and that it was a special one cos it had homemade tattoos on it from the Barbie Tattoo Centre Becky’s Mommy bought her for her last birthday and so Becky hates me too and then there’s Mansour who still likes me but that might change when she sees I slashed the tires on her bicycle and poured jam into her best shoes when she wasn’t looking.
So everybody hates me now and it’s totally no fair, because they were mean first. Right?
Mommy sees me now on her iPad so I got to be quick. Here’s my question: how can I get them to give me my take-home goodie bag? When Becky’s Mommy kicked me out, I had to leave it behind but I want it back. It’s no fair that they gave it to me but now I can’t have it.
Answer quick, I’m worried they’ll give my party bag away if I don’t get it NOW.
Krystal N. Kleer
Well, you are a busy little cup of tea, aren’t you? And creative, too. When we were your age, the old “jam in the shoe” trick wouldn’t have occurred to us. Full marks for that one.
As for turning your friend’s Barbie into Barbie of the Undead, we can see why your friend, her mother, and your own mother are none too thrilled with your proto-sociopathic behaviour.
Yes, it’s Undead Barbie. Be afraid. (trendhunter.com)
But you’ve asked for our assistance, so assistance we shall give.
First things first: have you ever heard of a “run-on sentence”?
That’s where you say a whole lot of things in one very long sentence without pausing, and you fail to break it up with proper punctuation, such as periods and commas. We really think that if you are to pursue a life of vengeance-fuelled crime, you should at least learn decent writing skills. You’ll need them to put together adequate defense statements in future. And we’re pretty certain that if you continue along your current path, you’ll be meeting a great many lawyers.
As for “your” goodie bag…we feel you’ll just have to write that off as a cost of doing business.
Tough tiddly-winks, princess.
Now that’s what we call a grudge
Dear Awesome Advice Central,
My problem is my little sister.
I got a Chatty Cathy doll for Christmas. I wanted one for the longest time, and I begged and begged and finally my Mum and Dad gave it to me and I was SO HAPPY!!
You pull the string and she says things like, “Will you be my friend?” and “Let’s go play now!” It’s the neatest thing ever. Even though her voice sounds like she’s talking through a sock, and sometimes she says the same thing 8 times in a row, it’s still neat-o.
Until I came home from playing with my friend up the street one day, and found MY Chatty Cathy stuffed into a corner of our garage. I didn’t remember leaving her there, so I picked her up to take her back to my room, but then! I noticed that her string—the one that you pull to get her to talk—was GONE!
I knew right away what happened. It was that ratfink of a sister of mine! She’d played with my doll, even though I told her to NEVER TOUCH MY STUFF EVER. And she’d broken the string, and now Chatty Cathy doesn’t chat any more.
What I want to know is, how can I pay my sister back for breaking my doll?
Anon Y. Mouse
Dear Karen (and yes, we know who you are),
This happened in 1964. It is now 2013.
We feel you’ve had ample time to get over it. Also, don’t forget that time you stood on Wendy’s foot while wearing a Dr. Scholl’s wooden clog, and failed to hear her gasping and begging you to move.
Or the time you tucked your clock radio under her pillow, unplugged it, turned the volume up to 11, waited for her to fall asleep, and then plugged it in. She’s still unplastering herself from the ceiling after that one.
Our best advice: Move on, darling. Just move on.