Category: Awesome Advice Central (page 1 of 22)

Awesome Advice Central has kittens

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

Last month, I decided to get a kitten from a shelter. I love cats, they’re so cool. Plus, I like wanted to save a kitten from a faith worse than death.

My new cat’s name was Bruno the Bad Boy, but I changed it to Cher. I also love Cher. She’s an credible singer and all that long, black hair is like a curtain in a shower. The way she swings it when she sings is so cool.

So, Cher the kitten also has black hair (haha, it’s fur, not hair, silly!), but hers is super-short and kind of bristly. Actually, super-bristly.

That’s the first thing I noticed about her: her fur.

Second thing, once I got her home, was I discovered she refused to use her litter box. Like, is my new cat stupid or something?

No matter how many times I showed it to her, she sniffed at it, looked at me, and then DID HER BUSINESS ON THE FLOOR! In fact, she peed on my leg, if I’m honest.

I thought, wow. That’s weird.

I took her out in the the back yard, and Cher decided to tear up my lawn! She was digging like mad, and you shoulda seen her tail! It was like a whirligig! I had to drag her in by her little harness.

She also eats like a pig. Yesterday, she ate 5 tins of the KutieKitKatFud I bought her. Plus half a bag of dry food. She also ate my sock, but that’s a behaviour issue, I think.

I went to work today, and left her asleep on her little bed. I put a ball of yarn beside her, and a catnip mouse to play with. When I came home, she’d eaten the heels off my shoes, peed on all my house plants, and destroyed my sofa. She didn’t even touch the mouse and yarn.

I’m beginning to think I have a unique breed of cat here.

My neighbors complained that during the day, she whined and howled (idiots—cats don’t howl!) all day long. They say I should let her out, but isn’t that dangerous? I mean, she could get run over by a car, or maybe run away and never come home. I just don’t think cats should be outside—I know they like to eat birds and such, so it’s best for nature if I keep her indoors, don’t you think?

Tonight, and this is why I’m writing to you, tonight, the adoption home called and asked how Cher was doing with her furever family. That would be me.

I said she was fine, just fine. I didn’t want to give too much away, because I think I’ve got a goldmine here in Cher. I think she might be a whole new breed of cat—and what would the home do if they find out they gave away a cat that’s almost the size of a large armadildo and knows how to fetch balls?

What maroons. Move over, Grumpy Cat, because here comes Cheerful Cher! alt="IMAGE-kittens-awesome-advice-central"

So. My question: I’m thinking of breeding Cher, even though the adoption home says it’s not possible. I figure, they’re dumb enough to miss Cher’s uniqueness quality, then they’re also dumb enough to miss the fact that I want her to have kittens.

Do you have any advice on breeding centers in my area? Or even further. Maybe in your area. I figure you’d know, seeing as how you know everything. And once I get into the breeding area, I’d like to know how to make sure her kittens don’t have the same drooling issues she has. Or floppy ears. Or bad breath.


Indiana Dramamine Ott. The IVth. alt="IMAGE-text-separator-awesome-advice-central"
Dear Indiana,

Well, there’s at least one very special creature living in your house, isn’t there?

And Cher sounds like an interesting specimen, too. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we? It appears that you have acquired a kitten that:

  • Is bristly and prickly, not soft and silky
  • Pees on your leg, not in the box
  • Is fond of spontaneous lawn excavation, accompanied by furious tail-wagging
  • “Plays” with shoes and sofas, not catnip and yarn (which isn’t good for cats in any case, which you would know if you read our blog)
  • Eats her own weight in kibble, and goes back for more
  • Drools
  • Howls
  • Wags her freaking tail, for pity’s sake!

Are you starting to get the picture here?

No, we were afraid of that. Excuse us one moment while we indulge in a long, sad sigh.

All right, we’re back.

We have a question for you: did the adoption centre tell you precisely why they felt you wouldn’t be able to breed your pet? Did they mention words like “gonads,” “snip-snip,” and “baby-maker gone bye-bye”? If so, we’re afraid you could be out of luck in the breeding sweepstakes.

As for the next Grumpy Cat, what the hell. We say go for it. We’re sure the world is waiting with bated breath for the next animal sensation, so why not Cher the Dog Cat? Fill your boots, darling. Go nuts.

And now, please leave us. We feel one of our sick headaches coming on.

Awesome Advice Central




Awesome Advice Central and the Mile High Club

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

I have a terribly embarrassing problem to reveal to you today. However, I would like to let your readers know that I was flying from Barnaby Basin to Totem Frog Inlet this past Saturday, on the 4.25 plane. Okay? Continue reading

Awesome Advice Central joins the glitterati

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

I had a lovely Christmas this year and hope you did as well. I’m sure you’ve received tons of etiquette letters from readers about the season though, as it appears to be fraught with insults, perceived insults, and just plain sulky people who have nothing better to do than complain and moan about their relatives. Continue reading

Awesome Advice Central goes speed-dating

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

This is one of those questions that’s kind of embarrassing for me, because it’s going to make me sound really conceited.

Haha, that’s funny because, honest, I’m the least conceited person in the world!

No, really. I mean it. Continue reading

Awesome Advice Central goes back in time

Dear Readers,

Today we’re taking a little trip—a trip back in time. To a dark, lonely time, when we at Awesome Advice Central were forced to toil away in isolation, with no pool boys to soothe our aching feet or do that knuckle thing on the back of the neck that helps ease away the kinks.

Terrible times, indeed. Continue reading

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