Okay, I get why you’re addicted to Candy Crush, but I’ll tell you straight up why I’ve been avoiding that game: it contains pictures of candy.
Oh, I know, they’re just animations…but every time that picture shows up, the reptilian part of my brain screams, “Jelly beans! Go find me some jelly beans! EAT ALL THE JELLY BEANS!!”
So I feel abstinence is the wiser course for me.
No, these days my game of choice is Words with Friends. Or at least it was, until last week.
You and I were engaged in one of our Epic Battles to the Death—the score was tight, and we were closing in on the final moves of the game. In baseball terms, I believe this would be something like “bottom of the ninth, two runners on, batter at the plate.” Mitchell will no doubt correct me if I’m wrong.
I’d just played my penultimate move, and my last few letters had dropped into place.
Aw, hell, an X. What am I gonna do with that?
Oh, but wait! there was also an E, an A, an M, an I, an N, and a blank tile. And—miracle of miracles, wonder of wonders—there was a D already on the board, enough space for all 7 of my letters, and a Double Word Score just sitting there waiting for me.
Seriously, how often does this happen? Approximately never.
All I had to do was wait for you to play your turn. And then, I cackled to myself, rubbing my hands together like a Bond villain in that heady moment just before James slides into his cunning trap, victory would be mine!
The next morning, when I opened my iPhone, you’d played your turn. I’m sure it was a fine word, but all my attention was fixed on my impending Stunning Victory.
I played my letters. My score doubled, then doubled again.
“Oho,” I thought. “Wendy’ll be totally impressed by this one!”
I hit “send.”
And Words with Friends did what it always does: it said, “You win! Rematch?” And it cleared the board, sweeping away my beautiful perfect word, and my incredible winning score, and now you’d never even see it!
Which is when, I believe, I messaged you on Facebook:
Well, fine. When you put it that way, it does seem kind of…petty. Beneath me, perhaps.
And all your comments since then—you know, the ones about how “oh, sure, this was a good word, but it’s no ‘examined’ on a double word score,’” and “Words with Friends just sent me a notice that they’ve declared you Player of the Day, and your crown is in the mail”—I totally forgive you.
Because you’re my sister, and it’s your bounden duty to mock me. That’s cool.
I’m totally over it, anyway. I understand, Words with Friends wasn’t being deliberately mean. It was just doing what it always does: declaring a winner (me, by the way), then clearing away the old game to make way for the new.
I just wish it hadn’t done it so fast. Because “EXAMINED” on a double word score was a damn fine way to end a game. And now, I shall say no more. My lips are sealed on the subject.
You’ll just mock me, anyway.