Got to get her out of my life
Dear Awesome Advice Central,
So, last week my mother-in-law came to visit and you know what? I really don’t like her. She’s just not my cup of java, if you get my drift.
You might ask what she’s done to offend me? Well, let me count the ways:
- She constantly sends our baby gifts—expensive ones.
- She wants to Skype once a week—it’s like she’s exacting payment for all those gifts, insisting that we put the baby up in front of the webcam so she can see his little face.
- She laughs and jokes with my husband, and tells me how glad she is that we’re together—like she thinks he’s some kind of prize that maybe I don’t deserve.
- She takes constant photos of our son, like he’s some kind of child model. I mean, he’s cute enough, but really?
I remember when Ricky and I got married, the She-Witch and her husband paid the entire whack and loaned us their house for our honeymoon. It was in Hawaii, but I really wanted to go to Fiji. It was a real bummer that they didn’t use some of their money to send us there instead. And I’m pretty sure she just did all that so we’d owe her something. Conniving woman that she is. I just don’t get it. It’s obvious to me that she’s trying to win over everyone in my house with her “love” and “charm,” but no one else seems to see through her. And by “no one” I mean her idiot son Ricky. I’m wise to her ways though, so every time my innocent, naive husband invites her over, I pretend I’m asleep and can’t come out of my room to talk to her. The other day she actually asked him if I was ill. Like she cares.
She’s driving me nuts with her ridiculous behaviour, like insisting on being there for our baby’s christening and wanting to see photos of our son in the clothes she insists on buying.
I mean, like, it’s my baby, right? Not hers. She should really learn the difference.
Know what she said when we told her the baby’s name was Frederick? She said, “Oh good, that’s a beautiful name! Ricky’s grandfather was called Fred.” Fred! No way we’re calling him that. We specifically said “Frederick,” but she wants to call him Fred. God, she’s annoying.
So how do I tell my husband that I don’t want her coming around any more? I think her negative influence on the house is too much and I don’t want it rubbing off on my little Frederick. God knows he has her genes, and that’s bad enough.
Poor dear Lucinda,
Our hearts bleed for you. Okay, fine, our hearts are bleeding cold borscht, and it’s the kind without sour cream or a nice boiled potato, but still.
Honestly, how do you put up with this woman’s obvious generosity, kindness, sense of humour? Not to mention her devotion to her son, her love for her new grandson, and her wish to do right by his
spoiled bitch of a wife? We just cannot imagine.
You are clearly the sort of
paranoid nutcase discerning woman who is able to detect malice and ill-intent in almost anyone. We’d like to suggest that instead of projecting your own hatefulness onto your poor unsuspecting mother-in-law, you might wish to consider exercising your considerable talents in a more constructive manner.
We recommend that you seek work outside the home.
For example, you have the suspicious nature, the sense of superiority, and the ability to assign the worst possible motives to perfectly innocent behaviour—you’d be a shoo-in as an undercover security officer at a department store. Think of the joy you’d feel whenever you apprehended some poor matron in Barney’s, slipping a lipstick into her handbag? Who cares if it’s actually hers, and she was just applying a little touch-up—the thrill of the pounce would be right up your alley, don’t you think?
If you want to set your sights a little higher, we understand that people with your skills and mindset are highly sought-after by a certain “news broadcaster” whose name rhymes with “box.”
They’re always looking for privileged bile-spewing hate-mongers, and who knows? Your new work might involve travel and long absences from home, which can only benefit your family.
And keep in mind: if you’re away from home, you won’t even know when your mother-in-law is in your house, being all sweet and kind and generous. It’s a win-win, don’t you think?
Now off you go—you’ve got résumés to write!
Awesome Advice Central
p.s. What’s wrong with Fred? Our great-grandfather’s name was Fred. Besides, do you really want your kid tagged “Frederick’s of Hollywood” when he gets to school? Honestly. They don’t pay us enough for this.