Dear Wendy,
Pity poor Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor.
Not only did she bear at least partial responsibility for the 1936 abdication of King Edward VIII, which earned her the undying hatred of the British Royals and those who loved them, but she’s credited with uttering one of the most pernicious phrases of the twentieth century: “No woman can ever be too rich or too thin.”
Seriously, Wallis? This is your legacy to women?
Whether or not this idea originated with the much-reviled Mrs. Simpson, it has had definite staying power. So many women—young or old—have absorbed it, I feel like it’s almost become part of our DNA. We all know the importance of being thin (and rich, of course), and many of us waste our lives on an endless treadmill of diets, exercise plans, weight loss, and weight regain, in vain pursuit of this ideal. If we can’t ever be too thin, then we can’t ever stop, right?
Yet by the time we reach our 50s, most of us know that Wallis was talking through her very expensive hat. One of the great joys of middle age is the realization that we don’t have to believe everything we hear, and that includes ridiculous assumptions about our body size.
But poisonous aphorisms aside, this begs the question: how thin should we really be?
Well, there’s always the good old BMI (Body Mass Index) chart, which many of us remember from our days at Weight Watchers, or the walls of our doctors’ offices. BMI is meant to estimate the amount of fat we carry, based on our weight and height. This is expressed as a number, which is supposed to tell us exactly how fat we really are:
- 18.5 or less: Underweight
- 18.5–24.99: Normal
- 25–29.99: Overweight
- 30–34.99: Obesity (Class 1)
- 35–39.99: Obesity (Class 2)
- 40 and above: Morbidly Obese
On the surface, this seems like a good-enough system—not perfect, but a decent ballpark.
Doesn’t this look all scientific-like to you? Yeah, me too.
However, BMI has some drawbacks. It doesn’t account for the difference in density between fat and muscle, meaning that a very muscular person might have the same BMI as an overweight couch potato. Similarly, people who’ve been overweight all their lives tend to have very dense, heavy bones; even when they slim down, they may weigh more than average, although they look like everyone else.
This actually happened to me after my gastric bypass surgery: at one point, I reached my “perfect” weight, if you went by the BMI charts. Only problem was that I looked like I’d just emerged from a concentration camp. My bones protruded, my eyes were sunken, and I shivered constantly like a chihuahua on meth. I couldn’t sit or lean against hard surfaces, as the knobs on my spine hurt too much. To look normal and feel healthier, I had to regain about 20 pounds…at which point my BMI was back up in the “overweight” range. Sigh.
Worse, body mass index doesn’t account for individual body shapes (“apple-shaped” people versus “pear-shaped” people, for example), and it says absolutely nothing about lifestyle. Based on BMI alone, it’s impossible to tell whether you eat a ton of sugary, fatty foods while lounging in front of the TV, or whether you are an active person who eats a healthy diet…and just happens to weigh more than average.
Eight women with the same Body Mass Index rating (BMI – 30) but with different weight distribution and abdominal volume, so they have different Body Volume Index (BVI) ratings. Select Research, 09-09-08 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
And yet, many people treat BMI like the Holy Grail of weight loss: they fret if their magical BMI number creeps up into the “overweight” or (gasp!) “obese” range, and they set their “target weight” square in the middle of the “normal” range. Because really, who doesn’t want to be “normal”? Even though it’s not a useful tool, body mass index has gained a kind of sacred status in the weight loss arena.
Okay, so let’s set aside the BMI. How can you decide what weight you should be? I’ve mentioned this in an earlier post, but it bears repeating:
You are at your “best weight” when you are:
- Eating the smallest number of calories that still leaves you satisfied
- Exercising as much and as hard as you can while still enjoying your life
I didn’t make this up. This sage advice comes from Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, and the first time I heard it, I realized that this was the critical piece I’d been missing in my own weight loss efforts. I’d been focusing on a number on a scale, rather than on what I could comfortably and happily achieve.
“But…” I hear you groan, “This tells me nothing! I hate the weight I am now, and I want to lose [insert number of pounds here] NOW, if not sooner! How can I do this if you won’t tell me what weight I should be aiming for?”
The simple answer: I can’t tell you that. No one can.
But I will tell you that once you’ve begun eating less and moving your body more, without feeling deprived or stressed, your body will start to evolve toward your “best weight.” And you won’t need me—or a BMI chart—to tell you when that happens.
Yes, it’ll take time. And believe me, I know what it’s like to hate your body and wish it would just change already, dammit! But if you stick with it, are kind to yourself, and remember that this is a permanent lifestyle change and not a temporary diet, you’ll get there. Really, you will.
Love,
Karen
This post is part of an ongoing series on After the Kids Leave. We’re not health professionals, and these posts cannot be construed as medical advice; they represent our personal experience only. To read earlier posts, please check the Related Articles list at the bottom of this page.
I’d love to know how to get back in the game with diet and exercise. At 53 and having MS my body is overweight and feeling sluggish, achy and old! What’s the first step? Which “diet” or “exercise” can I do within my abilities? I feel overwhelmed knowing where to even begin..
Well, if you start by simply collecting information about yourself, you won’t go too far wrong.
In my first post in this series, I talked about tracking food, noting when I was hungry, and using a pedometer to assess how active I was. Once you’ve done this for a couple of weeks, you can start to figure out what works, and what needs fixing. Please check back with us, and let us know how you’re doing!
Karen
Reading this has prompted me to get off the computer and start moving around for the day (after i comment, of course!). Thanks!
Great to hear it, Connie! We’ll join you, at least in spirit.
Karen
It really is so much more complicated than even our doctors make it out to be – height and weight charts, slight adjustments for age range, and as you say – little factoring in of lifestyle or genetics or health factors or menopause or medications.
The real culprit(s), to my mind, are what is going into our food supply (and the way we eat / cook) – still an area being debated and researched, and of course – our ridiculous obsession with body image of which thinness is a part, with added pressures for particular shapes that don’t come naturally.
The New York Times had an interesting article in the opinion section a few days ago (some research is now linking slight overweight to living longer). I think you really nail it when you speak to the years of “waste” that women (in particular) surrender to never feeling thin enough, pretty enough, “something” enough .
Think what we could accomplish with that time and energy if we expended it on gaining skills, contributing in some fashion, our relationships and our parenting.
Wonderful article.
Thanks! I’m 100% with you–and glad you find this series useful.
Karen
I absolutely agree with you about moving the body more. In fact, I have discovered two things with my regular fitness walking: 1. I get more energy by expending energy. That means exercise even when I feel sluggish. 2. My resting metabolic rate has increased with exercising, i.e., even when resting, my body is burning calories more efficiently than before.
Exactly–and besides, it’s enjoyable!
Karen
We have to think in terms of loving ourselves and being good to our bodies rather than depriving and ‘putting up’ with exercise. Healthy eating and moving are gifts!
PS: The BMI has me close to over weight, ha ha. So unhelpful.
That’s amazing re the BMI, Renee! You’re so far from overweight. And yes, moving and being active ate incredible gifts. If only we could remember that.
Karen
I love your advice for “best weight”. I hate seeing all the trendy ads these days to lose 50 pounds in 90 days by sprinkling some dubious concoction on your food to “burn fat” while eating everything you feel like. Scary…..and downright dangerous I think.
You’re right–they’re either dangerous, or outright lies. Many consist of plain old caffeine! Not a weight loss factor as far as I know.
K.
I agree, it is not about weight. It is about how much you move your body every day, and about what kinds of foods you eat that matters. Instead of saying “I’m going to get to (say) 140 lbs.” a person should say, “I am going to do some sort of exercise 1 hour five days a week and I’m only going to eat non-processed foods, etc. etc.” Whatever results is where a person should be at. The focus has to be on the “doing” not on where one is going. My son and I were just talking about this today on our way home from the gym. You can talk about it, and think about it, and try to plan it all out, but in the end,you just have to move your body, and move it enough.
Very true, Fern. Focusing on a number on the scale is just a set-up for disappointment.
Karen