Baby powder blues

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

Help me! I recently walked in on my 28-year-old son in the bathroom. And get this—the silly boy was kneeling in front of the toilet, using a rolled up bit of paper to snort baby powder off the toilet seat. He looked very surprised to see me!

When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was just cleaning the bathroom, but…well, I’m not 100% certain I believe him.

My son is a very private man, keeps to his bedroom mostly, but he’s ever so diligent when it comes to chores and getting his pocket money at the end of every week. God knows what he spends it on, but each week he’s back, asking for more. Sometimes I think he invents chores just so he can get more cash from me. Of course, the up side is that we have a very, very clean house, with immaculately pruned hedges and a lawn that looks like it’s been trimmed with nail scissors.

I’m just afraid that this time, my son may have pushed his house-cleaning obsession a step too far. You see, I know for a fact that you don’t use baby powder to clean the toilet. And when I asked my son if I could borrow his powder to use after a shower the other day, he all but bit my head off! (Confession: I snuck into his room though, and gave it a whiff, just to see what it really was. I ended up getting my taxes done in under an hour, and then I ran next door and volunteered to do the neighbour’s, just for good measure. That stuff is definitely not baby powder.)

So, Awesome Advice Central, something fishy is happening under my roof, and I need help to figure it out! Can you help me?

Bahama Mama

Dear BM,

Has your dear boy never heard of bathroom door locks? Clearly, he needs to give a bit more thought to ensuring his own privacy, especially with a nosy old broad like you skulking about the house, prying into every nook and cranny. We mean, honestly! Sneaking into his room and pilfering from your own son’s baby powder stash? Is nothing sacred any longer?

And frankly, if we were you, we wouldn’t be looking a gift horse in the mouth quite so readily. Immaculate house and garden? Kid who begs to do chores? Do you not realize that there are thousands—perhaps even millions—of parents who’d kill to be in your shoes?

Now, pass the baby powder, if you don’t mind. With tax time coming up, we could use the energy boost.

Awesome Advice Central

A sticky wicket

Dear Awesome Advice Central,

I was taking my dog for a walk the other day, when I saw a man struggling with his own pet, a cocker spaniel. The poor little thing was straining to get away, and whimpering pathetically; it looked like the man was hurting his dog so I got closer, determined that no harm should come to that pooch. 

As it was only 6:00 a.m., it was still a little dark, so it was difficult to see what was going on. As the dog howled and whimpered, the man was cursing him loudly, and yanking at the dog’s hindquarters. 

I thought to myself, “What the h-e-double hockeysticks?” The noise coming from the dog convinced me I was right to step in, so using my sternest grandmother voice, I demanded, “What on earth are you doing, young man?”

He looked up at me, and I saw he was holding something odd—it looked like a bit of plastic sheeting, only wet and brownish in colour. He swore again, and then made the most outlandish claim: he tried to tell me his dog had eaten one of those new polymer-coated dollar bills the previous night. As if that wasn’t bizarre enough, he alleged that his dog’s vet had recommended following little Rover on his rounds the next day to see if Mother Nature could take her course, rather than having surgery to remove the bill. 

As it happened, just as I came round the corner, the bill had begun to emerge, but only a little, so this young man was having to PULL it out of his complaining mutt. The fellow invited me to look closely, and I admit, I could make out something like Sir Wilfrid Laurier’s sideburns on a corner of the sodden, icky mess he held out.

Have you ever heard such a thing?  Do you think I should report him to the authorities, or do you, with your superior knowledge of all things canine, think I should let it be?  

Tawanda Tick (Ms.)

Dear Ms. Tick,

We were inclined to believe your story at first, because a) dogs are notoriously non-choosy about what they ingest, b) that’s just the sort of thing a vet would tell some unsuspecting pet owner to do at six in the morning before they’ve even had coffee, and c) we found it amusing, if slightly gross.

But on further reflection, we suddenly realized the fatal flaw in the tale you’ve spun. To date, Canada has issued polymer-coated bills in the following denominations: $20, $50, and $100. These bills feature portraits of dear Queen Elizabeth II, William Lyon Mackenzie King, and Sir Robert Borden, respectively. Sir Wilfrid Laurier’s august countenance appears on the five-dollar bill, which hasn’t yet been plasticized. Aha! We call foul.

So yes, by all means, report this young scallywag to the authorities. Clearly, he is a dog abuser of the worst sort. And probably some kind of pervert, too.

Awesome Advice Central

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