A modest proposal: Helicopter parenting to the max!


Dear Wendy,

Your Sunday post about your trip across France got my mind working. And we both know that in general, this is not a good sign. But wait, don’t touch that dial! I have an idea that I think could conceivably make us instant millionaires. And it doesn’t even involve a lottery ticket, or even multi-level marketing!

First, a bit of background. We’ve talked here about helicopter parenting—the intense, hovering, style of child-rearing that seems to have reached a fever pitch in recent years. Frankly, I think it’s all gone a little nuts: we’ve gone from playing Mozart to our pregnant bellies, to hiring tutors to help kindergarteners “succeed” in colouring and pencil-holding, to supervising and monitoring our children every hour of the day, to ensure they don’t hurt themselves or suffer from nasty emotions like boredom.

Anyway, while I am not a huge fan of helicopter parenting, I do acknowledge the fruitlessness of farting against thunder, as our esteemed father used to say. (Yes, he did have a seemingly endless store of fascinating and evocative epithets…but I digress.)

Besides, who am I to turn my nose up at a Genuine Money-making Opportunity when one pops into my fevered brain? So here’s the scoop: you mentioned that at the wedding you attended, the entire proceedings were captured on film by a helicopter camera, right? When I first read this and saw the picture, I admit I was a bit creeped out by their wacky sci-fi droidiness. But an idea began to percolate: why not capitalize on the helicopter parenting trend, using the most up-to-date helicopter camera technology?

A HeliParent™ in action: Does this spell dollar signs to you, or what?

Can’t you just imagine it? Helicopter-mounted, GPS-guided cameras could follow kids everywhere they went, hovering at a discreet distance, relaying critical info back to Ground Control in real time. We could call it…the HeliParent™.

If parents saw their little treasures were about to, say, fail to fully sanitize their little hands after playing in the sandbox, they could send an urgent warning through the kid’s ear-mounted Bluetooth device.

“No! Emma! Your hand-sanitizer is in your knapsack! USE IT NOW! Mummy is watching you….”

Of course, I could see this creating problems in schoolyards: if each kid had a HeliParent™ hot in pursuit, the lawnmower-like noise of a hundred of these things could be a bit overwhelming. Not to mention that the Heliparents™ could start having mid-air collisions (which would be amusing in a Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots kind of way, but perhaps not completely practical, given replacement costs, consumer annoyance factors, etc.). Still a few bugs in the system, what can I say?

But overall, what do you think? My gut tells me this could be big…really big. Although there’s also this other idea I have, involving wrapping kids in bubble-wrap to prevent playground and household injuries….

Love,

Karen

Want to keep a closer eye on your kids? HeliParent™ to the rescue! (I see using this as a promo shot, with the HeliParent™ emerging god-like from the bright white hole in the heavens to watch over kids everywhere. What do you think?)

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